AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE BUMP-N-GRIND

“I don’t see nothing wrong, with a little bump-n-grind.”

Lyrics by R & B Crooner and all around nasty motherfucker, R.Kelly.

This just in from the Second City justice system.

A Cook County jury on Friday acquitted R&B superstar R. Kelly of child pornography charges, marking the end of a high-profile trial rich in courtroom drama and celebrity intrigue.
The 41-year-old singer, whose real name is Robert Kelly, long denied charges that he videotaped himself engaging in a variety of sex acts with his then-underage goddaughter. Authorities said the female in the video could have been as young as 13 at the time.
The jury of nine men and three women deliberated for 7 ½ hours before finding Kelly not guilty on all 14 counts.
The verdict ends a bizarre case that had languished for nearly six years. During almost four weeks of testimony, the jury heard about three-person sexual encounters and watched a sex tape in which the male participant is seen urinating on a female.

The prosecution presented 22 witnesses including several childhood friends and four family members, who identified their then 13 year-old young lady. Twenty-two people recognized this perverted man as having sex with this then underage young lady and the cherry on top – urinating on her – let me restate that -- pissing on a little girl. We here at the Bastille hopes he never sells another CD. May he be banished to selling home-burned CD’s on the streets of Chicago out the back of an Escalade. There is not a song in this world – at least I thought so – that should have gotten this bastard off, but obviously it did. I will assume the girl and her family have been paid off. Now that Mr. Kelly is free I assume he will record a CD like Trapped In Closet – forgive me-- a mini-opera. I can see the title now, “Junior High Love”. After this pedo was originally arrested he started wearing masks in public, came out with an album called the Chocolate Factory and started calling himself the Pied Piper of R & B. How much does this man have to dare society to convict him. I’ve spoke on karma before and if there is such a thing, there are going to be five men resembling, mixed-martial artist Kimbo Slice, who are going treat his sphincter like NASA treats the planet Mars – exploring a new frontier in perpetuity.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

MONEY, SCHMUNEY

In a recent interview with Essence Magazine, talk show host/entrepreneur/billionaire, Oprah Winfrey recently revealed her secret to success. And number two was "don't care about money". While I understand her feelings, you can't tell that to people, who are not in your billionaire club AKA almost everyone. I know those, who take the comment out of context, but the woman or man paying strictly interest on a credit card cannot wrap their head around that concept. And those numbers will grow in our ever declining economy. All I'm asking is for Oprah and those, who came from humble beginnings, but now have a lot to recall those humble years before they make statements like Oprah has made. Because we all would like to have your money problems... trust me on that.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

THE HARD WORK OF THE IRISH

“That’s why we play the game. That’s why we play the game.”
Then New York Jets coach, Herm Edwards, to the press after his Jets lost a game in which they were heavily favored to win.

I have returned like a self-entitled conceited, millennial child, who believes his/her feces smells like lavender. Oh, well if that’s the case then just call me Kobe Bryant. For all the NBA fans, retro 80’s fans and possibly pop culture fans, the sacred rivalry of the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers has been recently renewed in the 2008 NBA Finals. Now a strange occurrence has come about. In the euphoria of winning the Western Conference Finals for the first since four years (that’s decades in Laker years), the Lakers and their band-wagoning fans forgot that the Celtics want to win championship too. Before the last shred of conference final confetti hit the floor, L.A. sports talk radio pundits and fans began predicting a four game sweep of the Green Machine and “how will GM Mitch two Kupchak keep all the Lakers together after this year's championship.

Well over the two Laker losses in the NBA finals, new questions have arisen, “Would a map help Kobe get into the paint?” and “How can we unload Lamar Odom and Pau Ga-"soft" at season’s end for some Artest/Rasheed type enforcers. The remarkable issue here is for some reason no one expected the Celtics to play like they wanted to hold the Larry O’Brien trophy too. It’s egregious arrogance that has some Laker fans referring to the 2008 edition of the Lakers as a dynasty, trying to erect shrines to one Kobe Bean Bryant and attempting to block off the street to Staples Center for a victory parade without a victory. And yes, you read me correctly, DYNASTY. Bootleg t-shirts have hit the streets of Los Angeles with Jerry West’s, Magic Johnson’s and Kobe’s #24 jerseys celebrating three Laker dynasties. The curious thing about this celebratory tee, is no third dynasty, because Kobe’s Lakers have yet to win a championship (I hate to drive that fact home, but no one seems to get it). A dynasty contains multiple championships won within relatively a close span of time (see, Spurs, Pistons, etc). Fact of the matter is, there was a third Laker dynasty and it 0was during the years 2000 to 2003, when future Hall of Famer, Shaquille O’Neal lead the Lakers to three NBA titles and himself to three Finals MVP trophies. I marvel at how Laker loyalists or bandwagoners (your call) have completely forgotten the 7’2”, 345 pound man who played center for the Lakers and saved this franchise from the dark years (remember Del Harris, Cedric Ceballos era— I thought you could). There is a desperate need by Laker fans to see a Kobe and only Kobe lead the Lakers to another title. Forgive my ignorance, but James Naismith created a sport called basketball in 1891 centered around a concept that the team with the most points at the expiration of time wins the game, not the team with the ego-driven “2” guard, who wants people to say to him “you’re better than Michael Jordan” can only win. Call me crazy, but that definitely seems in conflict with Mr. Naismith’s original idea. In my opinion, all Kobe’s conditions, in which he needs to win are what have the Lakers down in this series now. Hear Kobe’s decree, “I want to win the NBA championship with the Los Angeles Lakers for a fourth time, while leading the team throughout the series in all statistical categories, the media will adoringly refer to the Lakers as “my team” and I will win the MVP trophy and get to speak first and last at the Victory parade, which I will lead in the late model Maserati, which Laker GM Mitch Kupchak will buy me for not leaving the team this past summer. Look, I think you get it—- Kobe’s wants a championship ring and title with conditions. In closing, a junkyard dog that wants steak instead of ground chuck is not as desperate as a junkyard dog, who just wants to eat. And trust me, Kobe, Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce are hungry... and Doc Rivers is taking off the leashes.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!