Last Friday Eldrick Tiger Woods broke his silence and gave a 13 minute speech about his adulterous affairs and his ongoing sex rehab. It was estimated that over one hundred million dollars was spent to cover this speech and after hours were spent interpreting his every word. Hair Trigger has translated
IN BOLD what Tiger was actually thinking as he recited his well crafted words.
Good morning. And thank you for joining me
(Thanks for attending my attempt to repair my corporate sponsor relationships). Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me
(You all knew I was creeping and didn’t say a thing. Thanks). I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in. I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children
(Hello I am Tiger F***ing Woods). And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say
(I didn’t reprogram that broad’s name in my cell phone, so here I am). Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As she pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words. It will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss. However, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us
(I didn’t know you could legally write that many zeros on a check). I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down. I have let down my fans.
(What is with you people? I’m rich and famous. Life is my playground. You know I don’t drive a Buick. Do you really think Gatorade helps me when I got Mickelson breathing down my neck? Grow up people). For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down, personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners
(To my sponsors who dropped me. Please, please, please take me back?). To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education
(We also had a dream of running through every whore house in Bangkok, but that's another story, another time). This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California, to the Earl Woods Scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues
(I got big problems people, the needy kids are just screwed). But, still, I know I have severely disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for. But there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage. Ever.
(The definition of domestic violence is very dicey at best and you don't have proof, so there!). Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame
(Every time you write something about her, I drop a spot on the Forbes list. STOP IT!). The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable. And I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in
(Never leave physical evidence and always deny”). I knew my actions were wrong. But I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me
(First you get the money, then you get the power then you get the woman. I f***ing love Scarface). I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have far -- didn't have to go far to find them
(When you are rich and famous, the world is your ashtray people. I walk into a $10,000 a night Vegas suite and I am presented with 50 grand in chips and the finest white women you have ever seen in life. Because you know how the Tiger gets down). I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.
(Sheeeet, Tiger wrote the rule book. I smoke Cuban cigars, while hunting endangered species). I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me. I've had a lot of time to think about what I have done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It is now up to me to make amends. And that starts by never repeating the mistakes I have made. It is up to me to start living a life of integrity
(I see you're really buying this so far. Great, because I worked with the best crisis managers on this speech. These guys worked with President Clinton and R. Kelly). I once heard -- and I believe it is true -- it's not what you achieve in life that matters, it is what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count
(Please, Kim Kardashian has made her family famous for banging Ray J. Who is Ray J, you ask? EXACTLY. Character and decency went out the window with reading a book). Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all of those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry
(I’m playing the humble role until I can go back to fist pumping and white girl humping). It is hard to admit that I need help. But I do. For 45 days, from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy, receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction. As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants me to -- to ask me for the details of the times I was unfaithful
(I am the Nasty Man). I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me
(Will you ever touch my penis again?). These are issues between a husband and a wife. Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false.
(AND GET THIS STRAIGHT. I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER DATED A BLACK WOMAN). Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things. I did. I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements, when my children were born, we only released photographs so they ... so that the paparazzi could not chase them.
However, my behavior doesn't make it right for the media to follow my 2½-year-old daughter to school and report the school's location. They staked out my wife and pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone
(I dig you gotta follow Elin, she’s a grown ass woman, she knew what she was marrying into, but not my kids. You follow my kids and I Sean Penn your ass). I recognize I have brought this on myself. And I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That is where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to doing it
(My backswing is really rusty, so leave me the **** alone to work on it). Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught
(I couldn’t find a church, temple or synagogue, if you put a GPS up my ass). As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I have learned that is how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I am making this -- these remarks today
(Please take me back Accenture? You paid for all my trips to Dubai). In therapy, I have learned that looking at -- the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me: my marriage and my children
(It’s all about my career. Earl told me, “Women want money, boy. You think you’d be sticking all this tail, if you were pumping gas?”). That also means relying on others for help. I have learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help
(Sweet Jesus, how do you regular people live your lives?). I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes
(The ladies are still throwing the drawers at your boy). To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me. I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner [Tim] Finchem and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course
(All you hacks, who had something to say about Tiger will be washing my golf balls again, literally and figuratively). Finally, there are many people in this room and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your hearts to one day believe in me again. Thank you (There, I finally said something about this affair. You happy now? If not, bite my Tiger).
Now Follow Me! Follow Me to Freedom!
Tis' the morning after. The first true weekend of college and NFL football? Nooooo, it's the day after MTV Video Music Awards or VMA's as industry professionals refer to it (and the a-holes who like to acronyms repeatedly). Which is actually weird because MTV runs so many scripted "reality" shows, I don't ever see when nominated videos could actually air. Well, I for one did not see live airing of the coveted show because I was watching the Dallas "First to Play A Super Bowl in Our--- Blah, Blah, Blah" Cowboys put one in the 'L' column against the Washington Redskins. But when that rusty dagger in their hearts was taken out, I hopped on the laptop to look into 'the social network'(phrase copyrighted by Columbia Pictures) and what did I see in the twitter sea, but the trending topic be Kan-YE-- West that is. It seems many were praising the brave performance that closed the show. Other trending topics were Lady GaGa, the host Chelsea Handler and the pimple faced deity, Justin Beiber(spelling? don't care, never will). So I decided to see if I could catch some of the west coast feed of the show or the repeat because if nothing else MTV knows how to "encore" a show. So I'll run down my thoughts. Thought One. People spoke online about Chelsea Handler being a horrible host. Really? It amazes me how people ask a person to read a teleprompter and introduce other people and then say they were horrible at doing it. The only reason they would be a horrible host is if they couldn't read. Then that's a whole different story that goes into adult literacy that should've been discovered way before contracts were signed. There is no real failing at this gig. People complain to this day about David Letterman's hosting of the Oscars-- crap! nobody died and the show started and finished. He competently did his job. Thought Two. Justin Beiber, I don't get his success, nor shall I question it, but he had twelve grown men in letterman's sweaters with the letter "B" on it dancing behind him. The only thing more demoralizing than that is prison rape. Thought Three. I stand corrected. Carrying the train to Lady GaGa's dress is even more demoralizing than back up dancing for Beiber and prison rape. Thought Four. Kanye West's performance to close the show was brilliant. Let's get this straight Kanye West is a talented producer. He makes some good music but because of his sales, the PR machine, his obnoxious behavior and well his own declaration, he is deemed genius. His performance to close the show was not so brilliant. In a blood red suit, black shirt and gold chains, he stood alone playing a beat machine on a bare stage (I get the symbolism-- all I started with is me and my music). He commenced to perform the song, Runaway, which containts the lyrics "You've been putting up with my sh** too long" and "let's have a toast for the douchebags". He also had some ballet dancers bounding around the stage. Some will label me the infamous word "hater", but I like the term realist. 365 days ago, a drunken Kanye West ran up on stage and turned Taylor Swift into a superstar not for her talent but his interrupting her recieving an award because Kanyeezy thought Beyonce deserved the award (or he wanted to be noticed). The blowback from him destroying that young lady's moment made him realize that people were tired of his antics. I want to believe KanYeezy was sincere, but the last few weeks on Twitter he has been tweetng about how sorry he was for the Taylor Swift incident. I wanted to believe that but one his tweets was "I wish I could talk to all of my haters". Kayne-- bruh, if you ruined Taylor Swift's moment, the people aren't the haters, YOU are. Was he sincere? I think not. Thought Five. Eminem did the opening performance and left the theater immediately though he was receiving awards that night. When a perfomer of his caliber and such a high visibilty, leaves the awards show he opened, what does that say about said show? It's like Mel Gibson--okay not him-- but it's like Meryl Streep presenting at the Oscars then leaving even though she is up for Best Actress. Many area saying they saw this amazing show. Maybe I need glasses.
