BLACK RACE CAN’T AFFORD YOU NO MORE 2

See, the Black race can't afford you no more. There used to be a time, we'd see someone like you singin', clownin', yassuh-bossin'... and we wouldn't do anything. Folks liked that. You were good. Homey kind of *beep* When they needed somebody to mistreat, call a name or two, they paraded you.Reminded them of the good old days. Not no more. The day of the Geechee is gone, boy. And you're going with it.

Master Sergeant Vernon Waters from the film A Solider’s Story

Did I not say we, here at the Bastille, would sadly return to this subject again? What subject is that? Two new inductees will enter The Black Race Can’t Afford You No More Hall of Fame. The inaugural honoree, Bob “Ni**a Jim” Johnson will be joined by two Negroes, who are transcending “shameless” and taking it the next level. The honorees are Claude Brooks and Darryl Quarles, the creators of the My Network, sitcom (in time use only), “Under One Roof”.

It’s an odd-couple influenced story of ex-con, Calvester Hill (played by former Public Enemy hype man and VH-1’s top reality TV star, Flavor Flav), who moves in with Winston, his wealthy, conservative brother, who feels he owes Calvester for taking blame for the car accident that got him placed in jail (at least that’s what the lyrics in title song said). I will first say that this show, in our opinion here at the Bastille, is running a strong second to the Middle Passage for setting back the progress of black people. Calvester dresses like something out of the KKK’s Grand Wizard’s imagination, with neon colored clothing, cheetah print pajamas and a medallion, the size of a manhole cover reading “Cali Cal”. Winston is a conservative black man in the vein of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s Carlton or The Jamie Foxx Show’s Braxton. Winston’s Caucasian wife is a materialistic blue blood, who forever gives the air that she’s looking down on all, who cross he path. Their children are such Carlton and Hillary Banks knockoffs that Alfonso Riberio and Karyn Parsons (of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air fame) should send get portions of their checks. The housekeeper Su Ho sets back Asian images in media so badly, I’m wondering if the Japanese are going to buy America as they did in the 80’s or just bomb Pearl Harbor again. She speaks in broken English that is only worthy of a Jonny Quest episode. She wears a housecoat that I assume was left over wardrobe from Charlie Chan movie and I expect a gong to be hit every time she speaks. The pilot episode is based on a comedy staple “prison love” or “prison rape” (you choose). Calvester’s old cellmate played by Tiny “Zeus” Lister from the FRIDAY film franchise (yes, that would be Deebo) has been released from prison and is cashing in on a promise that he could stay with Cali Cal, when got out. He shows up to the dismay and shock of Cali Cal, Winston and all involved. This is a tried, true and even worn out premise in the sitcom world, but when Tiny utters the term “boo”, it strongly implies that he and Calvester’s relationship was more of a “protection for ass” barter. His feelings are confirmed, when Calvester is about settle in for a night’s sleep (in his cheetah print pajamas), when Barry White esqe music plays and Cali Cal’s ex-cellmate is in his bed waiting to cuddle with him. Cali Cal is not feeling this (surprise, surprise). The show then turns into a farce, when Cali Cal fakes his death and they have to havea funeral (in Winston's home, no less) for Cali Cal’s cellmate to leave their home. The funeral was a parade of baby’s mamas, parole officers, Steve Harvey suit wearing children and mourners. I could speak about the thespians, but honestly, I can't blame the actors for these characterizations because they just want to work and with reality genre cannibalizing television and a looming actor's strike, you take the gig, when you get it. I can only blame the creators, Claude “I Know Better” Brooks and Darryl “Auction Block” Quarles.

Brooks in his early life was a child actor having worked on films and TV show ranging from “The Wiz”, “The Cosby Show” and one of the first sitcoms on FOX called “True Colors”. True Colors was a short-lived close to honest look at interracial marriage and how their families meshed. I say all that to impress that Brooks knows what good television can be. For what it’s worth, Brooks has even produced shows for TV like “The Lyricist Lounge”, a hip-hop sketch show for MTV and “Second Time Around, a short lived romantic comedy, starring Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker, for UPN. Brooks has even produced a children’s show called “Hip Hop Harry” on The Discovery Channel. So to say the least, he’s been a part of making good television. Now as far as his opus “Under One Roof”, Brooks says, "It's all about the big laughs and we're equal opportunity offenders." Well, I think it's easy to say that this show has offended the prison rape victim demographic as well as humans in general.

Quarles on the other hand, is a movie and TV screenwriter (in title only), who has scribed financial hits like “Big Momma’s House” 1 & 2 and another Martin Lawrence vehicle titled, “Black Knight”. What disturbs me about Quarles is his production company’s card. His company’s name is Qtopia Entertainment and the company's card shown in the end credits appears and a man’s voice says, “Who cares? Pay me”. Who cares? Pay me. This show’s pilot episode, based on a newly released prisoner trying to resume his prison romance, was shameless enough, but then for your company to actually express the idea that you don't care about the content, as long as you get paid, makes it worse. Brooks and Quarles said they did not expect their new comedy to be controversial, despite the presence of Flavor Flav, who has come under fire for his outrageous antics on his VH1 show “Flavor of Love” due to his what some call perpetuating negative cultural stereotypes. As far as Flavor Flav, his wheelhouse seems limited to court jester, deadbeat dad or drug addict. Since court jester seems to be the best way Flavor can make his child support payments without harming himself or others, I want to believe our two newest inductees could have at least tried to couch Flav’s antics in something close to respectable. Now offensive, pushing the envelope, humor has been existed for years, but the HUMOR had to be present to cloak the offensive part. What these two have created is just offensive. If it were 1960 and these two men were the first black people to ever be given control of TV show about black people, I might (and it’s a big MIGHT) excuse these 21st century overseers for creating this televised bullwhip. But it’s 2008, we are on the verge of what might be the first black American president and I heard that slavery had been abolished and black people were granted civil rights. So to our newest inductees please join Bob Johnson in the green room for fatback sandwiches and sweet tea.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

IRONIC OR FUNNY

Pope Benedict XVI(aka Benny)visited with President Bush yesterday at the White House. For those who may not know, legally The Vatican is an actual country and usually visiting heads of state inspects the troops of the country that they are visiting. Sadly, Benny couldn't do that because the majority of our troops are in the Middle East fighting for democracy and oil prices. So who does President Chucklepuss have the Benny (who has been constantly apologizing for priest molestations since he arrived in America)inspect? Chucklepuss has Benny inspect troops of Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. Was this irony or just a good natured joke, by President Chucklepuss? It's gotta be irony, because wit is not in that man's wheelhouse.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE DEBATE?

Last night, there was a catfight on television, disguised as a Democratic debate. Facilitated by ABC and two of what I had considered to be their better journalists, Charlie Gibson and former Clinton advisor, George Stephanapoulos—at least until last night. In what I thought was supposed to be a two-hour debate about important issues, Gibson and Stephanapoulos grilled Barack Obama on his recent “bitter” remarks towards small town people and the Pastor Jeremiah Wright for the debate’s first forty-five minutes. Hillary Clinton then jumped into the foray, as Bugs Bunny would say, “dog-pile on the rabbit”. Hillary jumped in every time she could to take a dig at Obama by speaking of Pastor Wright’s comments saying, “were unacceptable and are offensive”. She then commented on Barack Obama’s being on a board with a man, who was part of the terrorist group named the Weather Underground. The sad part about Hillary’s attack is that her “razor-sharp, 3-in-the-morning” mind forgot that her own husband Bill Clinton gave a presidential pardon to two members of the Weather Underground. Again this debate was an example of how the Democratic party is blurring the line between themselves and the Republican party by attacking and not talking about the issues. I understand Stephanapoulos’ attacks, though biased and unwarranted, come from his loyalty of being advisor to Hillary’s husband, Slick Willie. It’s sad that neither, Gibson or Stephanapoulos felt a need to speak about the issues that plague and erode at America’s core. We have a steady escalating, 2.2 trillion dollar debt, which has made us “bottom bitch” to our respective “pimps” in China, Dubai and Russia. Our armed services have been overworked in the Iraq and Afghanistan. Our economy flaps back and forth like a freshly caught marlin on the deck of a South Florida trawler. American jobs are outsourced daily to other countries with the frequency of a Bush veto. and let's not forget that both a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk both cost $4-- that's right, a gallon of refined petroleum and cow piss are worth the smae thing. But I guess it’s more important to mold and carve at every, benign, phrase uttered on the campaign trail like a neurosurgeon, then find out how these people will be the best person to lead this country out of it’s present Bush quagmire.

Last night and today TV and radio pundits have spoken of how Obama didn’t do well and should have returned the attacks to Senator Clinton. Those of you, who are black or should I say black and have common sense, because being black doesn’t always assure you common sense, (see Bob “Ni**a Jim” Johnson, Tavis Smiley, I really don’t have enough space or time to continue this list), probably understand that Obama has to be careful in his words when dealing with Hillary Clinton. As progressive as we are in America, we still live in a country, where men are expected to be chivalrous to women and Obama can't afford to be too brash, because bottom line--- drum roll please-- Barack Obama is a black man. Obama may have given a historic speech on American racial matters and may be close to taking the Democratic nomination, but if he even starts to seem like he is attacking, a sixty year old white woman, he goes from “one of the good ones” to being a thuggish-ruggish, ni**er in 3.4 seconds. In the end, if Obama gets the nod at least he’s getting a taste of what the Republicans are going to do to him. Buckle up Barack, it’s about to be a bumpy ride.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

BLACK RACE CAN’T AFFORD YOU

To quote Sergeant Waters from the film “A Soldier’s Story", "The black race can’t afford you no more, C.J.". What Sgt. Waters meant by this was that C.J. was such a smiling, cowering, subservient shuffling a**, ni**r, that C.J. and his actions actually held the entire black race from progressing in America. Do you know how much “shucking, jiving and cooning” you have to do to hold back, what today would be over thirty million black people? A whole lot has to be done and this statement is probably and sadly going to be a frequent entry here at the Bastille, because repeatedly and sadly there are black people (or maybe we should call them shameless Negroes), who fill this bill everyday.

The first entry in this shameful category will be “Bob “Ni**a Jim” Johnson, self made black, billionaire and creator of BET, the network that we here at the Bastille believe stands a strong second behind slavery on the list, “Top Ten Things That Have Hurt the Black Race”. Well Ni**a Jim has opened his mouth again. Last time we heard from Ni**a Jim he was referring to to Obama's acknowledged teenage drug use while introducing Clinton at a South Carolina event. He said the Clintons ''have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues -- when Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood; I won't say what he was doing, but he said it in his book -- when they have been involved.'' Well, now Ni**a Jim is commenting on the previous remarks made by former Democrat Vice Presidential nominee, Geraldine Ferrraro. She stepped down last month as an adviser to Clinton amid controversy over comments she made to the Daily Breeze newspaper in Torrance, Calif. ''If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position,'' Ferraro said. ''And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.'' Ni**a Jim has chimed in with this, “What I believe Geraldine Ferraro meant is that if you take a freshman senator from Illinois called ‘Jerry Smith’ and he says, “I’m going to run for president, would he start off with 90 percent of the black vote? And the answer is probably not. Ni**a Jim added, “Geraldine said it right. The problem is Geraldine is white. This campaign has such a hair-trigger on anything racial it is impossible for anybody to say anything.”

Ni**a Jim asks, “If you take a freshman senator from Illinois called ‘Jerry Smith’ and he says, “I’m going to run for president, would he start off with 90 percent of the black vote? And the answer is probably not. But we here at the Bastille ask, “If you take a young, black senator from Illinois called ‘Barack Obama and he said, “I’m going to run for president, would he start off with 90 percent of the white vote? The answer is an emphatic NO, but Barack has worked and earned that white vote— as Bill Clinton went out and earned the black vote in 1992. Ni**a Jim wants to create an atmosphere of “Barack can’t get my vote just because he’s black”, but yet he and a number of others treat Hillary Clinton like the massa’s wife. “Miss Hillary and Massa Bill been so good to me. They gaves me access to other rich white people and they tolds them hows I talks so well and I’se not like those otha ni**as, who want level playing fields and for America to help those Rwanadan ni**as—I mean dey not even from America. Miss Hillary slepts in the same bed with Massa Bill. All that big brain Massa Bill gots, had to rub off on Miss Hillary after eight years in the White House. She’s got to be able to run this country better than that ole’ drug taking, African, Barack Osama.”

Ni**a Jim just needs to admit that he’s been promised something on the back end, if Hillary gets into the White House. He is already a billionaire and at this point I can only assume he longs for more power and not the type of power that he can attain through running his ni**a network. Ni**a Jim had access to the highest to office via Billy Clinton and now he has his eyes on some sort of position in the new Clinton administration (if it happens). His latest Obama attack smells of desperation and desperation is the last refuge of a scoundrel (or a ni**a in this case). So I officially place Bob”Ni**a Jim” Johnson into the category of the Black Race Can’t Afford You No More.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

THE SEVEN YEAR TEARS or How Chucklepuss Got A Heart

Chucklepuss played the Tin Man yesterday, as he presented the Medal of Honor to, Sally and George Monsoor, the parents of slain Navy SEAL Michael A. Monsoor, who threw himself on a grenade to save his comrades. Chucklepuss stood there and his lips slightly quivered like a person with actual feelings. I had my doubts for a moment, but then I noticed actual tears streaming down his cheeks for this brave soldier, as the over 4000 before him, who have given their lives in the Iraqi War. My only question is, “what f***ing took you so long?”

Chucklepuss, it took you seven years to cry for a death in this war of yours. That’s over twenty-five hundred days and dead American soldier number, 4020 to make you finally shed a tear and show some kind of emotion for a loss or tragedy under your watch. Tell me, Chuckles. The countless Iraqi civilians that have been killed during your oil war—I mean War on Terrorism— that doesn’t make you cry? The genocide in Darfur that you seem to ignore like it will just go away-- that doesn’t make you cry? The heartless murders and rapes that take place there like mail delivery -- that doesn’t make you cry? The number of lives that were probably lost during Hurricane Katrina because you waited three days to act and then turned down assistance from Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro because of politics -- that doesn’t make you cry? The out of control, spiraling American economy because of your insistent borrowing money from around the globe -- that doesn’t make you cry? Thousands of Americans are losing their homes because of a number of your friends and their predatory loans -- that doesn’t make you cry? The fifty percent public high school drop out rate, which your so-called, No Child Left Behind program, has no doubt contributed to on a daily basis – that doesn’t make you cry?

I mean what is it about Michael Monsoor’s death, which is by no means less than any other death, that made you finally shed a tear Chucklepuss? Because I am, to say the least, confused. Are you tear ducts sealed shut? Do your tear ducts not exist? Is there some kind of special presidential salve made especially for the President, so he won’t cry in potentially emotional situations? Is it some kind of CIA secret your dad taught you on a family vacation. Just help me understand, Chucklepuss, how it took you seven years to shed tears and this country has been shedding them for those same seven years. What is it that over 300 million people have been feeling that you haven’t until today, the 5th year anniversary of “Mission Accomplished” (remember that Chuckle, I thought you did)?

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

METAPHORS FROM THE WIRE

If you are a frequent reader of The Bastille, I will assume, you know that I am a fan of the critically acclaimed HBO television series, The Wire. Since I won’t be seeing any new episodes, I went back to watch the earlier seasons on DVD. I’m presently halfway through the fourth season, which focused on the eroding Baltimore school system. I noticed that this epic show runs some parallels with real life, so humor this entry.

In the episode titled, “That’s Got his Own”, there’s a scene in which, Namond Brice, wannabe corner boy and offspring of Wee-Bay Brice (former #1 soldier for the Barksdale drug crew) comes clean about who he is. In front of boxing coach/former Barksdale soldier, Cutty and a policeman, Sgt. Carver, Namond says through his tears, “I can’t do it. I can’t. She wants me to be like my father. I can’t be him.” Namond’s overbearing mother has forced Namond to get his own “packages” and sling dope on the streets of Baltimore. She expects Namond to be the man that Wee-Bay was and let me tell you, DNA does not a ‘street soldier’ make. Namond has cracked and realized that he isn’t built to run a drug crew and be the man of his house at the age of thirteen. She has spoiled Namond rotten for years with the expectation that he would be a true earner like his father, Wee-Bay. Well, don’t go chasing waterfalls lady.


Namond’s actions began to remind me so much of George. W. “Chucklepuss” Bush, I was perplexed by the similarities. Chucklepuss was a young spoiled, brat, who has been protected all his life by mommy and daddy and been groomed for “the game” (aka US government). Chucklepuss brags about his family being in “the game” (see Chuckle in documentary “Farenheight 9/11”) and wants to enter the “the game”, despite his lack of experience and heart. Chucklepuss’ actions are so Namod Brice, I want to see him get a patented “Namond” ponytail.

Now if you are a fan of “The Wire”, take a moment and feel me on this. Namond’s mom (a composite of George Sr. and Barbara) got former Barksdale soldier, Bodie (a composite of George Sr’s friends and administration) to help Namond (Chucklepuss) get started with a “package” (the presidency). Now Chucklepuss has been steadily f***ing up his “package”(just like Namond) over the past seven years—going on eight. But Chucklepuss, unlike Namond, has got Barksdale muscle (i.e. Dick “There Will Be Blood” Cheney, Karl “Liar, Liar” Rove, etc.) to cover up his incompetent leadership. With that type of muscle, Chucklepuss has been able to take over federal budget, the Justice system, spread “democracy” to Iraq and destroy the U.S. Constitution. So it is safe to say, that Chucklepuss has taken over all the Westside corners, from where the Towers once stood to downtown, Baghdad --- I mean Baltimore. I would like to believe that Chucklepuss has broken down and cried like Namond once or twice about this quagmire called The Iraqi War, but then I think better of myself and less of him.

I once recall Namond, “punking out”, when our quartet of boys got into a fight with some boys from the Eastside, and then running away in fear, when he saw Michael getting beat down by two boys. It recalls the morning of 9/11, when Chucklepuss shuffled off and flew to Shreveport and no one knew his whereabouts for a few hours. There was also the time 10 year-old Kenard stole money from, Namond and he had to get Michael to help him get his money back from Kenard. This incident recalls how Chucklepuss had to get his daddy and Bill Clinton to help, allay the ire of people, over the government’s slow response to Hurricane Katrina. Chucklepuss is Namond Brice, a fraud of a kid riding on his daddy’s rep in the street hoping that his secret will never be exposed. Bottom line, I think we all accept that there are many Namond Brices in this world holding down corners, but we don't want them holding the office of Presidency of the United States.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Let My People Go!

Charles Heston as Moses in The Ten Commandments

I want to pay my respects to actor and former NRA president, Charles “Moses” Heston, who passed at the age of eighty-four. Born John Charles Carter, Moses was a well-lauded actor and damn sure, conservative, with his pro-life support and gun rights support. Not as well publicized is that Moses also pounded the pavement with Dr. Martin Luther King for civil rights. Dr. King repeatedly would thank Chuck for his tireless support. He became famous for his acting and starring in films like Ben Hur (for which he won the Oscar), Moses in The Ten Commandments and the sc-fi film classic, Planet of the Apes as Taylor, the surviving astronaut on a, well, planet of apes. Known for his chiseled good looks, he starred in the epic film, as Moses, when it wasn’t really chic or accepted that Moses was really a colored guy. Heston stood for civil rights, but he wasn’t giving up that Moses gig, huh? In his latter years, Moses was a stand up guy for the right to bear arms and was famously played in the Michael Moore film, "Bowling for Columbine". I must say his rugged acting and delivery of lines were quite entertaining. In the sequel to Planet of the Apes, titled Beneath the Planet of the Apes (didn't see that title coming) Heston's character Taylor's last words were him cursing out a baboon, "You bloody bastard!" If you don't want to watch Heston's film on DVD, watch the CGI comedy "Madagascar" and watch the leader of the penguins. I'm quite sure he's channeling a comedic version of Heston, but I am not here to rib and jest Moses. So, I’ll wrap up this eulogy by paying the only tribute that I can, "Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!”

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!