M.V.B. (MOST VAULABLE BABY)

Let me open by stating, that we here at The Bastille believe Kobe “Shaq-Snitcher” Bryant is the single, most exciting basketball player in the NBA. Kobe has truly mastered the 94 feet of hardwood that is a basketball court. But if he wins the NBA’s Most Valuable Player Award for 2008,we believe that he does not deserve it. If anything, Shaq-Snitcher is the MVB, the Most Valuable Baby (or any other “B” words you can think of). Kobe went on the “Cry For Me” World Tour, whining to any sportscaster, with a live microphone, about his woes of being “stuck” with the Lakers team in some kind of personal purgatory. He slowly released statements about his feelings about Lakers management and how he was not pleased with what the Lakers front office had done to surround him with a team. Sometime during mid-summer Kobe says on Stephen A. Smith’s national radio show, that he “wants out of Los Angeles” and demanded to be traded. Taken aback, Stephen interrogated him to make sure these were his true feeling and Kobe assured him on his feelings. Laker fans, NBA fans and, last but not least, L.A. sport talk radio pundits began clamoring to speak with Kobe. About an hour after he completed the Stephen A. Smith interview, Shaq-Snitcher granted a radio interview to the Loose Cannons radio show on 570 AM in Los Angeles. It’s hosted by Los Angeles sportscaster, Steve Hartman (the voice of reason), Vic the Brick Jacobs (who bows at the altar of Kobe) and former Laker Mychal Thompson. Mychal, but mostly Vic, begged Kobe to talk it out with Laker GM and owner, Mitch Kupchak and Jerry Buss, respectively. Live on air, he pondered his fate, like a petulant child trying to decide what flavor ice cream he wanted. Like impatient parents the radio hosts begged him to talk with management and Kobe finally said, “I'll stay”.

Soon a YouTube video was posted on the internet of Kobe saying he’d rather “play on Pluto, then L.A.” and talking poorly of third year center, Andrew Bynum. And then the rollercoaster began. After that fateful day, suddenly billboards are strewn about town for the sports radio station asking, “Kobe. What’s Next?”. What’s next? What is next? How about the team name is changed to the Los Angeles Kobes? Maybe Kobe is made owner, GM and coach of the Lakers? This circus continued throughout summer Kobe meeting with Jerry Buss in Barcelona and his needing to hear from Buss that he was committed to winning. I’m the last person to defend a NBA owner, but Buss ahs proven he’s committed to winning by annually digging in his pocket to put a good team on the court. Matter of fact, from 2000 until 2004 he had a great team that was centered around the Shaq-Snitcher and Shaquille O’Neal himself. I think Kobe forgot that while he “never told Buss to get rid of Shaq” and he never stopped him either. No Kobe, as in the vein of one Scottie Pippen, who wanted the world to know that he could lead a basketball team too (recall his Trailblazer and Rocket efforts that came up dry) . Well, three Larry O’Brien championship trophies later and the promise of more was not enough for him because he played in the shadow of one Shaquille O’Neal. As in the 80’s, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the always the captain of the Lakers, but Magic Johnson was the engine that made the Showtime run. Magic never said that he was the leader, he just was.

Kobe’s enormous, ego will take him down in the end. You HAD to have the biggest contract on the team, you HAD to be the leader and you WANT the perfect team to complement you, but not be so good, so you can be declared the leader and them as “my guys” (your words not mine). Then when the Lakers are trying to appease you and make a trade, you have final approval on the trade. You couldn’t go anywhere without having to gut a franchise for you, but you don’t want to take a pay cut to bring in talent to appease you. That is the behavior of a bratty seven year old at his birthday party, who wants his cake, wants to eat it and wants no one else to taste it either. Today he expressed his love for Los Angeles, "I've always wanted to be here. I just felt like I was in a position where I didn't really have a choice (speaking of his summer debacle and radio tour). They wanted to go in an opposite direction. My legs aren't as young as they used to be. Just let me know. I love the weather. I love my '63 drop-top Impala. I love the 405 (freeway). I love my guys." The sad part of this is the wishy-washy, Laker fans will defend this man, who “shits” on them all summer and toys with their feelings. Kobe treats L.A. like a battered wife and this is the period, when the man will lie to her and try to make her believe like he never meant to hurt her and that he loves her. But this is the time, when the woman needs to cut all ties and get out of the relationship. All is good now, Kobe’s on the verge of winning the MVP trophy, the Lakers are in first and leading a playoff series 1-0. It’s utopia, but what happens next season if the Lakers have some injuries and they are a fifth seed down 3 to 1 to the Suns. The MVB may start crying again that he’s got no help.

This city and the Lakers organization supported Kobe throughout his rape trial. Most black men accused of rape can’t keep their job, but Kobe Bean got rides back and forth from the proceedings on the Lakers private jet. Can you imagine Wal-Mart associate and accused rapist, Leroy Durell getting cab fare or even a bus pass to go back and forth from your court proceedings? I thought not. You will probably receive this years MVP trophy, but only because of this ground swell to thank you for years as a Laker and your never winning the trophy. Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets deserves it more because he was most valuable to his team. Mr. Paul accounts for 21 points and 11.6 assists per game. That means he has accounted for 43 points a game. Mr. Bryant you had 28 points and 5.4 assists per game. That means you played a part in 38 points per game. Who is more valuable to their team on pure numbers alone? I thought you would see my point. If not for Mr. Paul, the Hornets go nowhere near 2nd place in the Western conference. As for you, Kobe, if Andrew Bynum (who suddenly became your favorite teammate after he started balling this season) doesn’t get injured and you all don’t receive that Gift of the Maji, Pau Gasol, the Lakers are not winning the West.

You Kobe Bean Bryant have been a manufactured superstar from the day you took Brandi to the senior prom. L.A. has made this egomaniac bigger than the Lakers and the game and it’s sad that those blinded by Vanessa’s 4 million dollar forgiveness ring will not see the truth until years from now. Kobe’s not the best player ever and he’s not better than Michael Jordan. He has been in the league for twelve years and I doubt he is going to lead the Lakers to six championships, because his first three championships were Shaq-aided. People argue that it’s unbelievable that he hasn’t won the MVP trophy in his career. He may have been a lifetime of highlight reel for ESPN, but he just wasn’t the MVP to his team. There have been many, Hall of Fame players (Barkely, Malone, etc), who have had great seasons, but they didn’t win the MVP because of on Michael Jeffery Jordan. Ultimately they were born during the wrong time and their timing sucked and I guess so did yours.

You desperately want to be loved like Jordan, but you can’t because you are man-made superstar. Though Jordan is a part of the machine now, when he first came out of Chapel Hill he was organic and just wanted to play basketball as best he could and not lose. Jordan wore Converse sneakers all his life, in college and planned to wear them even when Nike approached him. He told his representatives to “throw out an outrageous amount of money” and Nike won’t make deal. Only because they met his obscene money demands did he ever lace up a pair of Nikes and the rest is sneaker history. You thought you were going to turn Adidas around, but I see those Greek gods adorning your feet. Remember Air Jordan made it possible for you to have a signature tennis shoe— oh and when you get a nickname like “Air”, usually other people give it to you. When you declare yourself the Black Mamba, it’s just not as cool. One last thing, I don’t know what reason you gave for changing to the number “24”, but I secretly believe you wear it to state that you are one better than Michael Jordan, who wore number “23”. Sad, Mr. Bryant, so sad. Celtic great, Kevin Mchale said it best after Jordan retired, “There will be another one to replace Michael Jordan.” But it won’t be you Kobe, it won’t be you.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!