ATOP THE BASTILLE'S QUICK READ LIST

Miley Cyrus, pop singing sensation, actress and daughter of Billy Ray “Achy Breaky Heart” Cyrus has signed a seven-figure book deal with Disney Book Group. Miley who stars as pop singing sensation Hannah Montana on the titular TV show on the Disney Channel is writing her memoirs, which the Bastille will sum up like this:

1) Born to the Achy Breaky Heart man
2) Had a talent for singing karaoke around the house
3) Dad’s Lifetime show got cancelled
4) Dad pitches a show for Miley about a girl living the life of a rock star.
5) Little girls love the show, Disney turns her into a multi-platform product
6) I’m rich beyond belief and pray that I don’t become Britney or Lindsay

Unless she has a notorious crack habit and a secret baby, her memoir is going to be about the length of a pamphlet!

M.V.B. (MOST VAULABLE BABY)

Let me open by stating, that we here at The Bastille believe Kobe “Shaq-Snitcher” Bryant is the single, most exciting basketball player in the NBA. Kobe has truly mastered the 94 feet of hardwood that is a basketball court. But if he wins the NBA’s Most Valuable Player Award for 2008,we believe that he does not deserve it. If anything, Shaq-Snitcher is the MVB, the Most Valuable Baby (or any other “B” words you can think of). Kobe went on the “Cry For Me” World Tour, whining to any sportscaster, with a live microphone, about his woes of being “stuck” with the Lakers team in some kind of personal purgatory. He slowly released statements about his feelings about Lakers management and how he was not pleased with what the Lakers front office had done to surround him with a team. Sometime during mid-summer Kobe says on Stephen A. Smith’s national radio show, that he “wants out of Los Angeles” and demanded to be traded. Taken aback, Stephen interrogated him to make sure these were his true feeling and Kobe assured him on his feelings. Laker fans, NBA fans and, last but not least, L.A. sport talk radio pundits began clamoring to speak with Kobe. About an hour after he completed the Stephen A. Smith interview, Shaq-Snitcher granted a radio interview to the Loose Cannons radio show on 570 AM in Los Angeles. It’s hosted by Los Angeles sportscaster, Steve Hartman (the voice of reason), Vic the Brick Jacobs (who bows at the altar of Kobe) and former Laker Mychal Thompson. Mychal, but mostly Vic, begged Kobe to talk it out with Laker GM and owner, Mitch Kupchak and Jerry Buss, respectively. Live on air, he pondered his fate, like a petulant child trying to decide what flavor ice cream he wanted. Like impatient parents the radio hosts begged him to talk with management and Kobe finally said, “I'll stay”.

Soon a YouTube video was posted on the internet of Kobe saying he’d rather “play on Pluto, then L.A.” and talking poorly of third year center, Andrew Bynum. And then the rollercoaster began. After that fateful day, suddenly billboards are strewn about town for the sports radio station asking, “Kobe. What’s Next?”. What’s next? What is next? How about the team name is changed to the Los Angeles Kobes? Maybe Kobe is made owner, GM and coach of the Lakers? This circus continued throughout summer Kobe meeting with Jerry Buss in Barcelona and his needing to hear from Buss that he was committed to winning. I’m the last person to defend a NBA owner, but Buss ahs proven he’s committed to winning by annually digging in his pocket to put a good team on the court. Matter of fact, from 2000 until 2004 he had a great team that was centered around the Shaq-Snitcher and Shaquille O’Neal himself. I think Kobe forgot that while he “never told Buss to get rid of Shaq” and he never stopped him either. No Kobe, as in the vein of one Scottie Pippen, who wanted the world to know that he could lead a basketball team too (recall his Trailblazer and Rocket efforts that came up dry) . Well, three Larry O’Brien championship trophies later and the promise of more was not enough for him because he played in the shadow of one Shaquille O’Neal. As in the 80’s, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the always the captain of the Lakers, but Magic Johnson was the engine that made the Showtime run. Magic never said that he was the leader, he just was.

Kobe’s enormous, ego will take him down in the end. You HAD to have the biggest contract on the team, you HAD to be the leader and you WANT the perfect team to complement you, but not be so good, so you can be declared the leader and them as “my guys” (your words not mine). Then when the Lakers are trying to appease you and make a trade, you have final approval on the trade. You couldn’t go anywhere without having to gut a franchise for you, but you don’t want to take a pay cut to bring in talent to appease you. That is the behavior of a bratty seven year old at his birthday party, who wants his cake, wants to eat it and wants no one else to taste it either. Today he expressed his love for Los Angeles, "I've always wanted to be here. I just felt like I was in a position where I didn't really have a choice (speaking of his summer debacle and radio tour). They wanted to go in an opposite direction. My legs aren't as young as they used to be. Just let me know. I love the weather. I love my '63 drop-top Impala. I love the 405 (freeway). I love my guys." The sad part of this is the wishy-washy, Laker fans will defend this man, who “shits” on them all summer and toys with their feelings. Kobe treats L.A. like a battered wife and this is the period, when the man will lie to her and try to make her believe like he never meant to hurt her and that he loves her. But this is the time, when the woman needs to cut all ties and get out of the relationship. All is good now, Kobe’s on the verge of winning the MVP trophy, the Lakers are in first and leading a playoff series 1-0. It’s utopia, but what happens next season if the Lakers have some injuries and they are a fifth seed down 3 to 1 to the Suns. The MVB may start crying again that he’s got no help.

This city and the Lakers organization supported Kobe throughout his rape trial. Most black men accused of rape can’t keep their job, but Kobe Bean got rides back and forth from the proceedings on the Lakers private jet. Can you imagine Wal-Mart associate and accused rapist, Leroy Durell getting cab fare or even a bus pass to go back and forth from your court proceedings? I thought not. You will probably receive this years MVP trophy, but only because of this ground swell to thank you for years as a Laker and your never winning the trophy. Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets deserves it more because he was most valuable to his team. Mr. Paul accounts for 21 points and 11.6 assists per game. That means he has accounted for 43 points a game. Mr. Bryant you had 28 points and 5.4 assists per game. That means you played a part in 38 points per game. Who is more valuable to their team on pure numbers alone? I thought you would see my point. If not for Mr. Paul, the Hornets go nowhere near 2nd place in the Western conference. As for you, Kobe, if Andrew Bynum (who suddenly became your favorite teammate after he started balling this season) doesn’t get injured and you all don’t receive that Gift of the Maji, Pau Gasol, the Lakers are not winning the West.

You Kobe Bean Bryant have been a manufactured superstar from the day you took Brandi to the senior prom. L.A. has made this egomaniac bigger than the Lakers and the game and it’s sad that those blinded by Vanessa’s 4 million dollar forgiveness ring will not see the truth until years from now. Kobe’s not the best player ever and he’s not better than Michael Jordan. He has been in the league for twelve years and I doubt he is going to lead the Lakers to six championships, because his first three championships were Shaq-aided. People argue that it’s unbelievable that he hasn’t won the MVP trophy in his career. He may have been a lifetime of highlight reel for ESPN, but he just wasn’t the MVP to his team. There have been many, Hall of Fame players (Barkely, Malone, etc), who have had great seasons, but they didn’t win the MVP because of on Michael Jeffery Jordan. Ultimately they were born during the wrong time and their timing sucked and I guess so did yours.

You desperately want to be loved like Jordan, but you can’t because you are man-made superstar. Though Jordan is a part of the machine now, when he first came out of Chapel Hill he was organic and just wanted to play basketball as best he could and not lose. Jordan wore Converse sneakers all his life, in college and planned to wear them even when Nike approached him. He told his representatives to “throw out an outrageous amount of money” and Nike won’t make deal. Only because they met his obscene money demands did he ever lace up a pair of Nikes and the rest is sneaker history. You thought you were going to turn Adidas around, but I see those Greek gods adorning your feet. Remember Air Jordan made it possible for you to have a signature tennis shoe— oh and when you get a nickname like “Air”, usually other people give it to you. When you declare yourself the Black Mamba, it’s just not as cool. One last thing, I don’t know what reason you gave for changing to the number “24”, but I secretly believe you wear it to state that you are one better than Michael Jordan, who wore number “23”. Sad, Mr. Bryant, so sad. Celtic great, Kevin Mchale said it best after Jordan retired, “There will be another one to replace Michael Jordan.” But it won’t be you Kobe, it won’t be you.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

GET YOUR FREAK ON AND GET MY VOTE

In the past few weeks, Hillary Clinton has steadily thrown the question of “who do you want answering the White House phone at 3 in the morning?” at Barack Obama. She now has commercials running that evoke images of Osama Bin Laden, 9/11 and Pearl Harbor, while she still asks her “3 in the morning” question and also if Obama is ready to handle situations like this. I know if he can handle it, but I know who I can’t. Hillary Rodham Clinton. This will no doubt sound chauvinist to some readers of the Bastille, but I ask, “If Hillary couldn’t stop Bill Clinton from playing circus freak with a cigar and an intern named Monica, what’s going to make me believe that she can stop a Muslim terrorist, who drops more video clips then a talk show host?” I mean I know you were ducking “sniper fire” and trying to get us all Blue Cross, which I appreciate, but some time in those eight years on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue couldn’t you “whip it on” Bill? I mean the guy is leader of the free world you could’ve given him some on more than just birthdays and the night of state dinners. I’m quite sure you could’ve kept him on the straight and narrow, if you all had got your freak on in the Rose Garden or maybe even the Lincoln bedroom. Think about it Hillary, a little role-playing, you’re the female abolitionist begging President Lincoln to free the slaves and you saying how you will do anything to free the slaves. I’m quite sure there are costumes somewhere in the White House—if not I know you could send out for them. In closing I ask one thing of you, if since sleeping with Bill can’t help you now. Please tell me what YOU can do for this country and not what you think your opponent, cannot do.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

BLACK RACE CAN’T AFFORD YOU NO MORE 2

See, the Black race can't afford you no more. There used to be a time, we'd see someone like you singin', clownin', yassuh-bossin'... and we wouldn't do anything. Folks liked that. You were good. Homey kind of *beep* When they needed somebody to mistreat, call a name or two, they paraded you.Reminded them of the good old days. Not no more. The day of the Geechee is gone, boy. And you're going with it.

Master Sergeant Vernon Waters from the film A Solider’s Story

Did I not say we, here at the Bastille, would sadly return to this subject again? What subject is that? Two new inductees will enter The Black Race Can’t Afford You No More Hall of Fame. The inaugural honoree, Bob “Ni**a Jim” Johnson will be joined by two Negroes, who are transcending “shameless” and taking it the next level. The honorees are Claude Brooks and Darryl Quarles, the creators of the My Network, sitcom (in time use only), “Under One Roof”.

It’s an odd-couple influenced story of ex-con, Calvester Hill (played by former Public Enemy hype man and VH-1’s top reality TV star, Flavor Flav), who moves in with Winston, his wealthy, conservative brother, who feels he owes Calvester for taking blame for the car accident that got him placed in jail (at least that’s what the lyrics in title song said). I will first say that this show, in our opinion here at the Bastille, is running a strong second to the Middle Passage for setting back the progress of black people. Calvester dresses like something out of the KKK’s Grand Wizard’s imagination, with neon colored clothing, cheetah print pajamas and a medallion, the size of a manhole cover reading “Cali Cal”. Winston is a conservative black man in the vein of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s Carlton or The Jamie Foxx Show’s Braxton. Winston’s Caucasian wife is a materialistic blue blood, who forever gives the air that she’s looking down on all, who cross he path. Their children are such Carlton and Hillary Banks knockoffs that Alfonso Riberio and Karyn Parsons (of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air fame) should send get portions of their checks. The housekeeper Su Ho sets back Asian images in media so badly, I’m wondering if the Japanese are going to buy America as they did in the 80’s or just bomb Pearl Harbor again. She speaks in broken English that is only worthy of a Jonny Quest episode. She wears a housecoat that I assume was left over wardrobe from Charlie Chan movie and I expect a gong to be hit every time she speaks. The pilot episode is based on a comedy staple “prison love” or “prison rape” (you choose). Calvester’s old cellmate played by Tiny “Zeus” Lister from the FRIDAY film franchise (yes, that would be Deebo) has been released from prison and is cashing in on a promise that he could stay with Cali Cal, when got out. He shows up to the dismay and shock of Cali Cal, Winston and all involved. This is a tried, true and even worn out premise in the sitcom world, but when Tiny utters the term “boo”, it strongly implies that he and Calvester’s relationship was more of a “protection for ass” barter. His feelings are confirmed, when Calvester is about settle in for a night’s sleep (in his cheetah print pajamas), when Barry White esqe music plays and Cali Cal’s ex-cellmate is in his bed waiting to cuddle with him. Cali Cal is not feeling this (surprise, surprise). The show then turns into a farce, when Cali Cal fakes his death and they have to havea funeral (in Winston's home, no less) for Cali Cal’s cellmate to leave their home. The funeral was a parade of baby’s mamas, parole officers, Steve Harvey suit wearing children and mourners. I could speak about the thespians, but honestly, I can't blame the actors for these characterizations because they just want to work and with reality genre cannibalizing television and a looming actor's strike, you take the gig, when you get it. I can only blame the creators, Claude “I Know Better” Brooks and Darryl “Auction Block” Quarles.

Brooks in his early life was a child actor having worked on films and TV show ranging from “The Wiz”, “The Cosby Show” and one of the first sitcoms on FOX called “True Colors”. True Colors was a short-lived close to honest look at interracial marriage and how their families meshed. I say all that to impress that Brooks knows what good television can be. For what it’s worth, Brooks has even produced shows for TV like “The Lyricist Lounge”, a hip-hop sketch show for MTV and “Second Time Around, a short lived romantic comedy, starring Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker, for UPN. Brooks has even produced a children’s show called “Hip Hop Harry” on The Discovery Channel. So to say the least, he’s been a part of making good television. Now as far as his opus “Under One Roof”, Brooks says, "It's all about the big laughs and we're equal opportunity offenders." Well, I think it's easy to say that this show has offended the prison rape victim demographic as well as humans in general.

Quarles on the other hand, is a movie and TV screenwriter (in title only), who has scribed financial hits like “Big Momma’s House” 1 & 2 and another Martin Lawrence vehicle titled, “Black Knight”. What disturbs me about Quarles is his production company’s card. His company’s name is Qtopia Entertainment and the company's card shown in the end credits appears and a man’s voice says, “Who cares? Pay me”. Who cares? Pay me. This show’s pilot episode, based on a newly released prisoner trying to resume his prison romance, was shameless enough, but then for your company to actually express the idea that you don't care about the content, as long as you get paid, makes it worse. Brooks and Quarles said they did not expect their new comedy to be controversial, despite the presence of Flavor Flav, who has come under fire for his outrageous antics on his VH1 show “Flavor of Love” due to his what some call perpetuating negative cultural stereotypes. As far as Flavor Flav, his wheelhouse seems limited to court jester, deadbeat dad or drug addict. Since court jester seems to be the best way Flavor can make his child support payments without harming himself or others, I want to believe our two newest inductees could have at least tried to couch Flav’s antics in something close to respectable. Now offensive, pushing the envelope, humor has been existed for years, but the HUMOR had to be present to cloak the offensive part. What these two have created is just offensive. If it were 1960 and these two men were the first black people to ever be given control of TV show about black people, I might (and it’s a big MIGHT) excuse these 21st century overseers for creating this televised bullwhip. But it’s 2008, we are on the verge of what might be the first black American president and I heard that slavery had been abolished and black people were granted civil rights. So to our newest inductees please join Bob Johnson in the green room for fatback sandwiches and sweet tea.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

IRONIC OR FUNNY

Pope Benedict XVI(aka Benny)visited with President Bush yesterday at the White House. For those who may not know, legally The Vatican is an actual country and usually visiting heads of state inspects the troops of the country that they are visiting. Sadly, Benny couldn't do that because the majority of our troops are in the Middle East fighting for democracy and oil prices. So who does President Chucklepuss have the Benny (who has been constantly apologizing for priest molestations since he arrived in America)inspect? Chucklepuss has Benny inspect troops of Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. Was this irony or just a good natured joke, by President Chucklepuss? It's gotta be irony, because wit is not in that man's wheelhouse.

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CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE DEBATE?

Last night, there was a catfight on television, disguised as a Democratic debate. Facilitated by ABC and two of what I had considered to be their better journalists, Charlie Gibson and former Clinton advisor, George Stephanapoulos—at least until last night. In what I thought was supposed to be a two-hour debate about important issues, Gibson and Stephanapoulos grilled Barack Obama on his recent “bitter” remarks towards small town people and the Pastor Jeremiah Wright for the debate’s first forty-five minutes. Hillary Clinton then jumped into the foray, as Bugs Bunny would say, “dog-pile on the rabbit”. Hillary jumped in every time she could to take a dig at Obama by speaking of Pastor Wright’s comments saying, “were unacceptable and are offensive”. She then commented on Barack Obama’s being on a board with a man, who was part of the terrorist group named the Weather Underground. The sad part about Hillary’s attack is that her “razor-sharp, 3-in-the-morning” mind forgot that her own husband Bill Clinton gave a presidential pardon to two members of the Weather Underground. Again this debate was an example of how the Democratic party is blurring the line between themselves and the Republican party by attacking and not talking about the issues. I understand Stephanapoulos’ attacks, though biased and unwarranted, come from his loyalty of being advisor to Hillary’s husband, Slick Willie. It’s sad that neither, Gibson or Stephanapoulos felt a need to speak about the issues that plague and erode at America’s core. We have a steady escalating, 2.2 trillion dollar debt, which has made us “bottom bitch” to our respective “pimps” in China, Dubai and Russia. Our armed services have been overworked in the Iraq and Afghanistan. Our economy flaps back and forth like a freshly caught marlin on the deck of a South Florida trawler. American jobs are outsourced daily to other countries with the frequency of a Bush veto. and let's not forget that both a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk both cost $4-- that's right, a gallon of refined petroleum and cow piss are worth the smae thing. But I guess it’s more important to mold and carve at every, benign, phrase uttered on the campaign trail like a neurosurgeon, then find out how these people will be the best person to lead this country out of it’s present Bush quagmire.

Last night and today TV and radio pundits have spoken of how Obama didn’t do well and should have returned the attacks to Senator Clinton. Those of you, who are black or should I say black and have common sense, because being black doesn’t always assure you common sense, (see Bob “Ni**a Jim” Johnson, Tavis Smiley, I really don’t have enough space or time to continue this list), probably understand that Obama has to be careful in his words when dealing with Hillary Clinton. As progressive as we are in America, we still live in a country, where men are expected to be chivalrous to women and Obama can't afford to be too brash, because bottom line--- drum roll please-- Barack Obama is a black man. Obama may have given a historic speech on American racial matters and may be close to taking the Democratic nomination, but if he even starts to seem like he is attacking, a sixty year old white woman, he goes from “one of the good ones” to being a thuggish-ruggish, ni**er in 3.4 seconds. In the end, if Obama gets the nod at least he’s getting a taste of what the Republicans are going to do to him. Buckle up Barack, it’s about to be a bumpy ride.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

BLACK RACE CAN’T AFFORD YOU

To quote Sergeant Waters from the film “A Soldier’s Story", "The black race can’t afford you no more, C.J.". What Sgt. Waters meant by this was that C.J. was such a smiling, cowering, subservient shuffling a**, ni**r, that C.J. and his actions actually held the entire black race from progressing in America. Do you know how much “shucking, jiving and cooning” you have to do to hold back, what today would be over thirty million black people? A whole lot has to be done and this statement is probably and sadly going to be a frequent entry here at the Bastille, because repeatedly and sadly there are black people (or maybe we should call them shameless Negroes), who fill this bill everyday.

The first entry in this shameful category will be “Bob “Ni**a Jim” Johnson, self made black, billionaire and creator of BET, the network that we here at the Bastille believe stands a strong second behind slavery on the list, “Top Ten Things That Have Hurt the Black Race”. Well Ni**a Jim has opened his mouth again. Last time we heard from Ni**a Jim he was referring to to Obama's acknowledged teenage drug use while introducing Clinton at a South Carolina event. He said the Clintons ''have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues -- when Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood; I won't say what he was doing, but he said it in his book -- when they have been involved.'' Well, now Ni**a Jim is commenting on the previous remarks made by former Democrat Vice Presidential nominee, Geraldine Ferrraro. She stepped down last month as an adviser to Clinton amid controversy over comments she made to the Daily Breeze newspaper in Torrance, Calif. ''If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position,'' Ferraro said. ''And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.'' Ni**a Jim has chimed in with this, “What I believe Geraldine Ferraro meant is that if you take a freshman senator from Illinois called ‘Jerry Smith’ and he says, “I’m going to run for president, would he start off with 90 percent of the black vote? And the answer is probably not. Ni**a Jim added, “Geraldine said it right. The problem is Geraldine is white. This campaign has such a hair-trigger on anything racial it is impossible for anybody to say anything.”

Ni**a Jim asks, “If you take a freshman senator from Illinois called ‘Jerry Smith’ and he says, “I’m going to run for president, would he start off with 90 percent of the black vote? And the answer is probably not. But we here at the Bastille ask, “If you take a young, black senator from Illinois called ‘Barack Obama and he said, “I’m going to run for president, would he start off with 90 percent of the white vote? The answer is an emphatic NO, but Barack has worked and earned that white vote— as Bill Clinton went out and earned the black vote in 1992. Ni**a Jim wants to create an atmosphere of “Barack can’t get my vote just because he’s black”, but yet he and a number of others treat Hillary Clinton like the massa’s wife. “Miss Hillary and Massa Bill been so good to me. They gaves me access to other rich white people and they tolds them hows I talks so well and I’se not like those otha ni**as, who want level playing fields and for America to help those Rwanadan ni**as—I mean dey not even from America. Miss Hillary slepts in the same bed with Massa Bill. All that big brain Massa Bill gots, had to rub off on Miss Hillary after eight years in the White House. She’s got to be able to run this country better than that ole’ drug taking, African, Barack Osama.”

Ni**a Jim just needs to admit that he’s been promised something on the back end, if Hillary gets into the White House. He is already a billionaire and at this point I can only assume he longs for more power and not the type of power that he can attain through running his ni**a network. Ni**a Jim had access to the highest to office via Billy Clinton and now he has his eyes on some sort of position in the new Clinton administration (if it happens). His latest Obama attack smells of desperation and desperation is the last refuge of a scoundrel (or a ni**a in this case). So I officially place Bob”Ni**a Jim” Johnson into the category of the Black Race Can’t Afford You No More.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!