FOUR RACE CARDS AND A PASTOR

"You know he's black".

Today the 2008, Indiana and North Carolina primaries will be decided between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton and one thing has been as sure as death and taxes. Race has played a part in this campaign and been used like slim-jim on a car sitting alone on the 4th floor of parking garage. Early on here at the Bastille, we felt that we would be lucky to have Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama as a presidential nominee, but with time Hillary bared her "racial" claws and dug deep into Obama, like a cat trapped in a corner. As has the mainstream media and I’m not just talking about FOX News.

Throughout Hillary’s campaign, the issue of race has floated just under the surface of a frozen sea of prejudice, like a seal or penguin looking for a break in the ice. Sadly, that break has never been found and Obama has been steadily bumping his head into the frozen blocks of ice called, “Reverend Wright”, “elect-ability and “he can’t pull white voters”. Never in my life would I believe that a political candidate would be so beholden to words by his pastor. But then again Obama is the candidate -- forgive me THE BLACK CANDIDATE, which is the big difference. Barack Obama was an afterthought to candidates John McCain and Hillary Clinton months ago. He was such a novelty on the political landscape, that Hillary Clinton felt counting the states of Florida and Michigan were not worth her time. She even signed a paper to officially discount those votes. After Obama had a run of winning 11 straight states in primaries she felt it was important that “these states and their voters be counted”, but it was too late (the DNC’s words, not mine... so far). At this point, the Republican party and it’s presumptive candidate, John McCain started floating the “elitist” title into the public ear and onto Obama’s flagless lapels. I think McCain chose that route because calling him a ni***r outright might be misconstrued by him as well as Hillary, who wields the word “elitist” like a Jedi and his light saber.

Obama, a former child user of foodstamps, is the biracial son born to a single white woman from Kansas and a Nigerian man, whom Barack has only has met once in his life. Hillary, a Wesleyan graduate, and her husband have made 109 million dollars over the past ten years. John McCain is married to a beer heiress and owns eight homes, but the black guy, from the broken home, is the “elitist” looking down on people. I don’t want to call them racist, but I think the utter shock of trailing a black man in this presidential race had them truly aghast and ready to do anything to keep this ‘perfect negro’ from their precious presidency. Media pundits have been stating that Bill Clinton has hit his stride by campaigning for votes in small, rural towns in North Carolina (see “all-white” & "redneck").

Barack Obama has run such clean and strong campaign that his opponents have had to resort to "kitchen sink" tatics (which is code for 'whatever it takes') and in this case, it means reminds the voters in clandentstine ways that Barack Obama is still black. That is done by communicating to rural voters, who have little contact with people of color, set him off from her by calling him "elitist" and drinking a beer. This Sunday, Obama appeared on Meet The Press with Tim Russert, who questioned him on the Reverend Wright subject for the first fifteen minutes, but all week Russert asked people on MSNBC, “when is the Wright situation going to go away?” I find it ironic that Russert continued the discussion instead of asking Mr. Obama about his policies. I wouldn’t be so upset about the “Reverend Wright” situation, if the pundits would ask Hillary Clinton about her former pastor, Rev. William Procanick, who was sentenced to three years in prison on Friday, for inappropriately touching a 7 year old child. Or how about asking John McCain to explain his steady welcoming the endorsement of the righteous, Rev. John Hagee, who said that Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans because they were hosting a gay parade (that is held annually). Or Hagee’s opinion that Catholicism is a whore religion and that teachers letting children read Harry Potter are promoting wichcraft. Again McCain has restated twice in recent weeks that he happily accepts this bizarre man’s endorsement. Even after denouncing Jeremiah Wright, if Wright were accused of pulling an “R. Kelly” on a 7 year old child or denouncing Catholicism, Obama 0-8 would be, oh so over. He would be raked over the coals worse than he already has been (if that’s possible). It has gotten so bad for Hillary and McCain that have resolved to flat out saying things like “he’s not like us”. Oh what could they mean by that remark? The scales are so tipped into Clinton and McCain’s favor that even the majority of mainstream media can’t recognize that they have fallen into the racial trap of steadily questioning “can he get the working white class vote”. Why is no one asking if Hillary can get the black vote? With about ten hours until the polls close I hear political pundits on TV saying they’re “still waiting for the Jeremiah Wright boot to drop”, since Wright hasn’t responded to Obama’s “divorcing” from him. How despondent are some members of mainstream media to wait for Obama, who holds the race lead to wait for the man he has formally denounced to speak again? There are like vultures awaiting the death of a thirsty animal crossing the desert.

We’ve been told numerous times that is mathematically impossible for Obama to lose this race and that Hillary has to win 66% of the vote in the remaining states to stay close. Yet, Hillary and her people keep twisting words like Lindsay Lohan’s publicist to make the public believe she still is in this thing. How can she do that? Because she believes that if she has a shot of something and a beer she magically becomes a non-educated, Gran Torino driving, white voter. And with that she implies to some voters through her thinly veiled veneer, “You know he’s black”. She has portrayed herself as a "fighter for the American people", but she has taken advantage of that stance and played on the ignorance of some non-black voters, who would easily react negatively, if Barack responded as a "fighter" as so many white pundits have requested him to do. Barack Obama knows the last thing some middle American or rural white mother needs to see is a man named Barack going off a sixty year old white woman. When it’s all said and done Obama is black, no matter how hard he has tried to get past it. He is reminded of it daily in what should be a very historic presidential race… if only Hillary would let it be that.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

BLACK RACE CAN’T AFFORD YOU NO MORE 3

Pastor Jeremiah "Pulpit Pimp" Wright is in the news again, hogging the spotlight and playing into every black preacher stereotype we could think. He recently emerged to do defend himself in an interview with Bill Moyers. In the interview, he said "I am a pastor and Barack said what he said because he was a politician". Now most intelligent people can see that he doesn't speak for Barack Obama, but most simple mother******s will think Wright is implying that Barack just said that Philly speech for the public, but he's still with me. To top it off Wright went on to speak before the National Press Club in Washington, DC and the NAACP in Detroit. This fool is going on a speaking tour. To be honest this should not really be an issue after Obama denounced Wright political views, but it won't because Obama is two steps away from the highest office in the land and those people in the mainstream, who want to keep that streak at 44 white people in a row, will take any edge that they can.

I could have excused the Bill Moyers interview to be quite honest, because he let people see he was more than a YouTube clip. But Mr. Fire & Brimstone went before the National Press Club talking about the "dozens" and how "you don't talk about my mama" AKA "showing his ass". If Wright had responded immediately to the first accusations against his character, I could understand his speaking, because a person has the right to defend himself. This sorry, calculating, excuse of a man decided to do this at a critical juncture in Obama's campaign. Wright is no better than Jackson or Sharpton, who show up when the "live shot" camera lights turn on. Wright even had the nerve to say to the NAACP, that "I'm still going to be a pastor in November and January" and these are when the Presidential election and Inagurations, respectively, take place. Wright could've waited until this all was over and he decided on now-- out of the blue was best. The Pulpit Pimp is an ass**** and if Obama by snowball's chance in hell were to lose this nomination (that is mathematically impossible right now) Wright's reputation will be SH** at best and he would be the most hated Black man in America. Whatever good he has done in his 60 some odd years would be obliterated by his actions now. When Barack Obama takes office he should ask Wright to swear him in and then have the Secret Service take his ass away right before the ceremony--- to an undisclosed location. So Pulpit Pimp I invite you into the green room for a syrup sandwich, hush puppies and moonshine for the black race can't afford your sorry, selfish ass no more, for your actions could literally hold back the black race.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

AND THE BORDERS COULD COME CRUMBLING DOWN

While corporate media focuses on the slap fight also known as the Democratic primary, President Chucklepuss was down in New Orleans meeting PRIVATELY with conservative, Mexican President, Felipe Calderon and conservative Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Felipe and Stevie were attending the fourth annual North American Leaders' Summit, to discuss common economic and security goals, but I’d be one to think that they were talking about the infamous Amero unit of currency. What’s the Amero, you ask? That is the North American equivalent of the Euro, which is used in the U.K.. I can’t confirm this to be the subject of the clandenstine meeting, but our secretive leaders have discussed behind closed doors having one form of currency for North America. In an election year where Americans are concerned about NAFTA’s steady grazing on American jobs and the economy, Chucklepuss and his conservative compadees are discussing making our currency one. Doing this in turn would basically tear down the borders that Chucklepuss’ working class consituents want so dearly to stay up. I know this is speculation, but it’s food for thought. Our God-fearing, conservative leader is basically tearing a new a**hole into the core beliefs of his true followers. I hope this story reaches Chucklepuss’ followers, then again I wished it could’ve reached them before they voted him back into office.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

NOOO!!! I DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING

Three years after tying the knot in a spectacular, over-the-top affair that caused some backlash, Star Jones has decided to end her marriage to banker Al Reynolds. The 46-year-old TV personality quietly filed divorce papers March 26 in New York Supreme Court in Manhattan.

I cannot think of a man, who didn’t watch Al propose to her LIVE at the NBA All-Star Game and say, “Something is wrong with that man" or "Damn, she must have as much money as Oprah". Al Reynolds did not propose to post surgery Star Jones, he proposed to Star “I Clean My Plate” Jones. I’m going to withhold from any other thoughts I have about this relationship and marriage that was sponsored by Target and televised by ABC. The marriage seemed like a sham from day one and the only person, who believed the falsehood of this union was Star Jones. If she strolls down the aisle again, I think she shall leave the rose colored glasses or should I say blinders at home.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

ATOP THE BASTILLE'S QUICK READ LIST

Miley Cyrus, pop singing sensation, actress and daughter of Billy Ray “Achy Breaky Heart” Cyrus has signed a seven-figure book deal with Disney Book Group. Miley who stars as pop singing sensation Hannah Montana on the titular TV show on the Disney Channel is writing her memoirs, which the Bastille will sum up like this:

1) Born to the Achy Breaky Heart man
2) Had a talent for singing karaoke around the house
3) Dad’s Lifetime show got cancelled
4) Dad pitches a show for Miley about a girl living the life of a rock star.
5) Little girls love the show, Disney turns her into a multi-platform product
6) I’m rich beyond belief and pray that I don’t become Britney or Lindsay

Unless she has a notorious crack habit and a secret baby, her memoir is going to be about the length of a pamphlet!

M.V.B. (MOST VAULABLE BABY)

Let me open by stating, that we here at The Bastille believe Kobe “Shaq-Snitcher” Bryant is the single, most exciting basketball player in the NBA. Kobe has truly mastered the 94 feet of hardwood that is a basketball court. But if he wins the NBA’s Most Valuable Player Award for 2008,we believe that he does not deserve it. If anything, Shaq-Snitcher is the MVB, the Most Valuable Baby (or any other “B” words you can think of). Kobe went on the “Cry For Me” World Tour, whining to any sportscaster, with a live microphone, about his woes of being “stuck” with the Lakers team in some kind of personal purgatory. He slowly released statements about his feelings about Lakers management and how he was not pleased with what the Lakers front office had done to surround him with a team. Sometime during mid-summer Kobe says on Stephen A. Smith’s national radio show, that he “wants out of Los Angeles” and demanded to be traded. Taken aback, Stephen interrogated him to make sure these were his true feeling and Kobe assured him on his feelings. Laker fans, NBA fans and, last but not least, L.A. sport talk radio pundits began clamoring to speak with Kobe. About an hour after he completed the Stephen A. Smith interview, Shaq-Snitcher granted a radio interview to the Loose Cannons radio show on 570 AM in Los Angeles. It’s hosted by Los Angeles sportscaster, Steve Hartman (the voice of reason), Vic the Brick Jacobs (who bows at the altar of Kobe) and former Laker Mychal Thompson. Mychal, but mostly Vic, begged Kobe to talk it out with Laker GM and owner, Mitch Kupchak and Jerry Buss, respectively. Live on air, he pondered his fate, like a petulant child trying to decide what flavor ice cream he wanted. Like impatient parents the radio hosts begged him to talk with management and Kobe finally said, “I'll stay”.

Soon a YouTube video was posted on the internet of Kobe saying he’d rather “play on Pluto, then L.A.” and talking poorly of third year center, Andrew Bynum. And then the rollercoaster began. After that fateful day, suddenly billboards are strewn about town for the sports radio station asking, “Kobe. What’s Next?”. What’s next? What is next? How about the team name is changed to the Los Angeles Kobes? Maybe Kobe is made owner, GM and coach of the Lakers? This circus continued throughout summer Kobe meeting with Jerry Buss in Barcelona and his needing to hear from Buss that he was committed to winning. I’m the last person to defend a NBA owner, but Buss ahs proven he’s committed to winning by annually digging in his pocket to put a good team on the court. Matter of fact, from 2000 until 2004 he had a great team that was centered around the Shaq-Snitcher and Shaquille O’Neal himself. I think Kobe forgot that while he “never told Buss to get rid of Shaq” and he never stopped him either. No Kobe, as in the vein of one Scottie Pippen, who wanted the world to know that he could lead a basketball team too (recall his Trailblazer and Rocket efforts that came up dry) . Well, three Larry O’Brien championship trophies later and the promise of more was not enough for him because he played in the shadow of one Shaquille O’Neal. As in the 80’s, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the always the captain of the Lakers, but Magic Johnson was the engine that made the Showtime run. Magic never said that he was the leader, he just was.

Kobe’s enormous, ego will take him down in the end. You HAD to have the biggest contract on the team, you HAD to be the leader and you WANT the perfect team to complement you, but not be so good, so you can be declared the leader and them as “my guys” (your words not mine). Then when the Lakers are trying to appease you and make a trade, you have final approval on the trade. You couldn’t go anywhere without having to gut a franchise for you, but you don’t want to take a pay cut to bring in talent to appease you. That is the behavior of a bratty seven year old at his birthday party, who wants his cake, wants to eat it and wants no one else to taste it either. Today he expressed his love for Los Angeles, "I've always wanted to be here. I just felt like I was in a position where I didn't really have a choice (speaking of his summer debacle and radio tour). They wanted to go in an opposite direction. My legs aren't as young as they used to be. Just let me know. I love the weather. I love my '63 drop-top Impala. I love the 405 (freeway). I love my guys." The sad part of this is the wishy-washy, Laker fans will defend this man, who “shits” on them all summer and toys with their feelings. Kobe treats L.A. like a battered wife and this is the period, when the man will lie to her and try to make her believe like he never meant to hurt her and that he loves her. But this is the time, when the woman needs to cut all ties and get out of the relationship. All is good now, Kobe’s on the verge of winning the MVP trophy, the Lakers are in first and leading a playoff series 1-0. It’s utopia, but what happens next season if the Lakers have some injuries and they are a fifth seed down 3 to 1 to the Suns. The MVB may start crying again that he’s got no help.

This city and the Lakers organization supported Kobe throughout his rape trial. Most black men accused of rape can’t keep their job, but Kobe Bean got rides back and forth from the proceedings on the Lakers private jet. Can you imagine Wal-Mart associate and accused rapist, Leroy Durell getting cab fare or even a bus pass to go back and forth from your court proceedings? I thought not. You will probably receive this years MVP trophy, but only because of this ground swell to thank you for years as a Laker and your never winning the trophy. Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets deserves it more because he was most valuable to his team. Mr. Paul accounts for 21 points and 11.6 assists per game. That means he has accounted for 43 points a game. Mr. Bryant you had 28 points and 5.4 assists per game. That means you played a part in 38 points per game. Who is more valuable to their team on pure numbers alone? I thought you would see my point. If not for Mr. Paul, the Hornets go nowhere near 2nd place in the Western conference. As for you, Kobe, if Andrew Bynum (who suddenly became your favorite teammate after he started balling this season) doesn’t get injured and you all don’t receive that Gift of the Maji, Pau Gasol, the Lakers are not winning the West.

You Kobe Bean Bryant have been a manufactured superstar from the day you took Brandi to the senior prom. L.A. has made this egomaniac bigger than the Lakers and the game and it’s sad that those blinded by Vanessa’s 4 million dollar forgiveness ring will not see the truth until years from now. Kobe’s not the best player ever and he’s not better than Michael Jordan. He has been in the league for twelve years and I doubt he is going to lead the Lakers to six championships, because his first three championships were Shaq-aided. People argue that it’s unbelievable that he hasn’t won the MVP trophy in his career. He may have been a lifetime of highlight reel for ESPN, but he just wasn’t the MVP to his team. There have been many, Hall of Fame players (Barkely, Malone, etc), who have had great seasons, but they didn’t win the MVP because of on Michael Jeffery Jordan. Ultimately they were born during the wrong time and their timing sucked and I guess so did yours.

You desperately want to be loved like Jordan, but you can’t because you are man-made superstar. Though Jordan is a part of the machine now, when he first came out of Chapel Hill he was organic and just wanted to play basketball as best he could and not lose. Jordan wore Converse sneakers all his life, in college and planned to wear them even when Nike approached him. He told his representatives to “throw out an outrageous amount of money” and Nike won’t make deal. Only because they met his obscene money demands did he ever lace up a pair of Nikes and the rest is sneaker history. You thought you were going to turn Adidas around, but I see those Greek gods adorning your feet. Remember Air Jordan made it possible for you to have a signature tennis shoe— oh and when you get a nickname like “Air”, usually other people give it to you. When you declare yourself the Black Mamba, it’s just not as cool. One last thing, I don’t know what reason you gave for changing to the number “24”, but I secretly believe you wear it to state that you are one better than Michael Jordan, who wore number “23”. Sad, Mr. Bryant, so sad. Celtic great, Kevin Mchale said it best after Jordan retired, “There will be another one to replace Michael Jordan.” But it won’t be you Kobe, it won’t be you.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!

GET YOUR FREAK ON AND GET MY VOTE

In the past few weeks, Hillary Clinton has steadily thrown the question of “who do you want answering the White House phone at 3 in the morning?” at Barack Obama. She now has commercials running that evoke images of Osama Bin Laden, 9/11 and Pearl Harbor, while she still asks her “3 in the morning” question and also if Obama is ready to handle situations like this. I know if he can handle it, but I know who I can’t. Hillary Rodham Clinton. This will no doubt sound chauvinist to some readers of the Bastille, but I ask, “If Hillary couldn’t stop Bill Clinton from playing circus freak with a cigar and an intern named Monica, what’s going to make me believe that she can stop a Muslim terrorist, who drops more video clips then a talk show host?” I mean I know you were ducking “sniper fire” and trying to get us all Blue Cross, which I appreciate, but some time in those eight years on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue couldn’t you “whip it on” Bill? I mean the guy is leader of the free world you could’ve given him some on more than just birthdays and the night of state dinners. I’m quite sure you could’ve kept him on the straight and narrow, if you all had got your freak on in the Rose Garden or maybe even the Lincoln bedroom. Think about it Hillary, a little role-playing, you’re the female abolitionist begging President Lincoln to free the slaves and you saying how you will do anything to free the slaves. I’m quite sure there are costumes somewhere in the White House—if not I know you could send out for them. In closing I ask one thing of you, if since sleeping with Bill can’t help you now. Please tell me what YOU can do for this country and not what you think your opponent, cannot do.

Now follow me! Follow me to freedom!